The Rise of the Lonely Man
The Crisis of Loneliness
Given that we have all spent the better half of the last two years sitting at home and socializing through Zoom, it seems common sense that more and more people are struggling with feelings of loneliness. But while we're all in the trenches, today, we have more lonely, single men than ever before.
A 2020 survey found that 63% of 18-34-year-old Canadian men experienced considerable loneliness, compared to 53% of similarly aged women.
This is particularly concerning because, as much as we have been fighting to break the stigma surrounding mental health, the patriarchy and toxic masculinity still socialize boys into thinking that experiencing emotions (or anxiety or depression) means you're weak. And the popularity of Andrew Tate-types doesn't help, especially with the rise of loneliness-induced violence.
The Silent Epidemic of Men's Mental Health
While being open and honest about mental health has (thankfully) been increasing for the past decade, men of all ages are consistently less likely to share their struggles with their peers and struggle to seek professional support, often suffering in silence.
Fast Facts:
Among Canadians of all ages, three of every four suicide victims are men, and men have much higher death rates for suicide than women.
On average 50 men take their own lives a week
Substance use is a huge part of the problem: Canadian men are around three times more likely to experience addiction and substance use than Canadian women.
81% of drug overdose victims are men
Blaming women instead of addressing the issue
This topic is extremely sticky, because instead of actually addressing the growing epidemic of lonely and isolated men, some media and right-wing pundits are spitting bullshit narratives about how "masculinity is in crisis" and that "there are no more manly men," and they're blaming women for having 'too high standards.'
And what's even more nonsensical is that the patriarchy is literally responsible for creating this problem. The patriarchy created the 'guidelines' for masculinity and told boys that the only way they could be 'real men' was for them to suppress their emotions, get with tons of women, and be the primary earner of the household.
These unreasonable patriarchal expectations are what make lonely men feel even worse for struggling, and anti-woman communities not only reinforce patriarchal violence against men, but motivate violence against everyone else, too.
Loneliness on the Rise
Of course standards are rising in hetero relationships, of course emotional intelligence is deemed a necessity, of course women don't want to mother the man they're sleeping with.
Because like one of our favourite TikTok videos said "now that men are no longer a necessity for a woman's existence (to open banks accounts, to buy property, etc.) they have had to become likeable and that is where they are failing."
When men held more of the power, you could have relationships where the man was controlling and demanding — because a woman's whole life was dependent on them. But huge advances like during the World Wars (when women entered factory work), and the introduction of contraception (allowing women to family and career plan), and the change of legislation around women's rights - women have adapted to the changing demands of our world.
But men haven't had to. And it shows.
Lonely Men are in Need of Community
And this lack of willingness to adapt and evolve is resulting in increased feelings of loneliness. Men are looking to online male-centred groups for advice.
There is nothing inherently wrong with men supporting and uplifting one another, whether that be through guidance, inspiration, or counselling. Honestly, we love to see it and wish there was more of this. Clearly lonely men are in need of a community, but the problem is when that community turns into an echo-chamber for misogynistic, patriarchal bullshit. Because instead of getting a therapist, or talking honestly about feelings with friends, they're falling into communities and influencers like Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and Joe Rogan.
They go to Reddit forums and YouTube out of loneliness and find other angry men and an echo chamber blaming women for every painful feeling or moment of shame that they have ever experienced.
The "Manosphere"
The "manosphere" is a scary-large, diverse network of communities that take an antagonistic stance (of varying degrees) towards women and dating. Not all branches of the manosphere are overtly dangerous, but many of them - and the most powerful ones - center a culture of grievance, a conspiratorial worldview, and extreme misogyny.
You may remember how just this October, we learned that Pierre Poilievre used hidden tags on his YouTube videos in order to appeal to one far-right, anti-women community, "Men Going Their Own Way." These are just one of many groups that exist within the manosphere.
Here are some other examples:
“Men’s right’s activists” claim that family law and social institutions discriminate against men.
“Pick-up artists” are self-proclaimed "alpha-males" who date and harass women
Incels (involuntarily celibate) abide by the "black pill," a belief that women use their sexual power to dominate men.
Lonely Men and Violence
Not all lonely men are violent but these online communities and the massive growth of these anti-woman forums is extremely concerning, so this isn't something we should brush off. So much of the violence we've seen over the past few years was perpetrated by lonely men who were radicalized through the hateful and misogynistic bullshit they heard in these communities.
Far-right internet spaces have sparked some of the worst tragedies in recent history:
The 2018 van attack in Toronto in which an attacker killed 10 and injured 16, then posted on Facebook about his goal for "incel rebellion"
The 22 year old terrorist who killed six people in 2014 in Isla Vista, California—and was praised by the Toronto van attacker as an inspiration.
The 26 year old shooter who killed 10 and injured another 8 at Umpqua Community College after writing a 6 page manifesto about being an incel in the style of many other mass shooters.
Taking Accountability and Addressing the Actual Issue
The loneliness epidemic among men is so dangerous not only because it has worsened the mental health crisis for a group that notoriously struggles with asking for help, but because when lonely men feel completely hopeless and alone they often turn to violence targeting women and other marginalized groups.
Lonely men are caught in a cycle of shame and rage, and because of toxic masculinity, they become radical - and accountability needs to be taken by those men and by the patriarchal system that creates them.
Mental Health Resources:
If you or someone you know are in crisis, visit an emergency department or call 911
Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566
Wellness Together: wellnesstogether.ca
Healing in Colour: healingincolour.com
Althea Therapy: altheatherapy.com
